Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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