I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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