I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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