took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize