worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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