she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
