no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
