i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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