I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
