How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I want a musical about memes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
