??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you have to choose: penises or morals?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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