I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just had sex bonerless
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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