I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
