Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
