i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
