Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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