i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Randomize
