you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize