life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
ttyl tear gas
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
