when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
