right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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