yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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