What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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