Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
