Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Dignity is for republicans.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
