Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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