i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
