Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
