Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
