Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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