At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
