Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
