Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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