I can text with my tongue
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
