seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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