there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
