I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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