I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
