Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
