Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize