I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
