Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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