the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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