Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
