i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
