he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
