I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
