The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
