I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
the liver wants what the liver wants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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