I think I won the penis lottery.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
