Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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