My hand turned me down
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
