just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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