can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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