Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize