Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
