Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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