He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
