I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
