I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize