I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
