Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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