No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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