I'm so fucking centered right now
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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