Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
