don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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