i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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